I had this morbid habit of always reflecting back in time and reminiscence about how good it was back then. I’m not even old enough to say this, but I guess it’s basic nature?
I don’t know the main reason. All I do know is that I had this pathetic habit of always comparing my present with past. And most of the time, my past would seem much more appealing than my present.
In fact, I gave myself this false excuse every time I scored a bad mark in maths, that “I know I’m good at it. After all, I did top in my maths class 2 years ago.”
It’s a thing of the past, but I would always say this to myself. Soon it became a habit and a convenient way of dodging the blame of not studying or working hard enough, so I’d give this excuse to others as well.
Most of my friends bought it, but my sister was having none of it.
She’d often purse her lips giving me a plain look to show me that I’m fooling no one.
But one day, when I made the exact same excuse, she whirled around and said, “You know what? Get the hell out of your past!” It was like a slap on my face and me being the proud person I was back then, snapped back
“It’s none of your business and no need to speak to me like that.”
I hate it when we argue. It’s annoying to keep arguing and it’s difficult to not argue when my pride is at stake.
But me snapping at her didn’t even make her wince.
She just looked at me with a stern expression and said,
“You need to grow up! You can’t always become nostalgic and fool people around by recounting something which happened years ago.”
I just looked at her. I didn’t have anything to say to that, because deep down, I knew she was so right. I wanted to scream at her and ask her to go to hell.
She looked at my face, searching for something. I don’t know what she saw but it was something that made her eyes soften. She then said in a much softer and gentle voice “look, you got to leant to take responsibility for your actions now. You’re becoming a fine young woman but if you don’t learn to take the blame, then you’ll never be able to achieve much in life, and you know it. You’re just too stubborn and caught up in the past to accept it.”
The fact that my sister knows me so well is actually kind of scary. But just for a moment as I let my defences and ego down, I realise that she’s so darn right! I look away, unable to meet her scrutinising gaze and accept in resignation,
“I guess you’re right” I mumble
She gave me a winning smile as I caught her eye again.’ I swear to god she’s so full of herself.’ I think but I also know that she’s so right and if it weren’t for her I would still be shitting with myself.
This was one such incident that happened a few years ago and made me take responsibility for everything, and to be honest, it feels really great and courageous whenever I take responsibility for anything. Somehow, my successes now feel more real and well deserved and my failures now feel like a part of the process, motivating me to work harder.
It’s weird how small moments in your life can make such huge changes right?